The Thoughts I Carried

I was ready to kill myself as a sophomore in high school. I had a plan. I remember sitting there, thinking I would crawl into the bathtub… because who wants to make a mess… and slit my wrists. It’s still hard to talk about.

I didn’t want to die as much as I just wanted the thoughts to stop. The constant worry, the secrets, even just having them. I wanted peace.

From a very young age, every time I went to bed, my mind would race. I would think about everyone dying in different ways, at different times. How would life change? Eventually, it became easier to imagine me dying instead, and them having to figure out life without me.

I didn’t think I would live to graduate high school. I had no real plans, so it felt like a surprise when I actually did.

It’s strange now to think about everything I would have missed. Falling in love. Getting married. Having children. Watching them grow.

I’ve struggled with this demon I feel lives inside of me. I like to think everyone has one… I just never really learned how to quiet mine.

In 2025, I almost died because of my health. There was a moment I wanted to give up, but something shifted. I thought about all the people who would have to live without me. As a child, that thought brought comfort… but as an adult, it hit me for the first time that I am important. That I matter.

Faith carried me through that hospital stay. Nurses would tell me how amazing it was to see me alive, how lucky I was, how I must have a higher power watching over me. And I truly felt that. Like someone was sitting at the edge of my bed, quietly reminding me that my life was always worth living.

I hope this can be a message to never give up.

I have lost so many people I couldn’t imagine living without. People who taught me to be strong and brave. To lose myself in fun. Crunch the leaves if you love the sound. Lay back and watch the clouds like you did as a child. Let yourself feel the beauty of the world… and the beauty you bring to it.

Don’t give up.

Fight. With everything in you.

Life isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always hard. You just have to find that spark inside yourself… and protect it like it’s the most important thing in the world.

Because it is.